Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss
- Lars Christensen
- 2 days ago
- 12 min read
I finished this book in May 2025. I recommend this book 10/10.
Why you should read this book:
I used this book to negotiate for a new car. I also used the book to become a better listener in meetings. In this book, you learn that paying really good attention to what the other person is saying is really key to be able to use that as a strength to get them feeling comfortable.
Get your copy here.
🚀 The book in three sentences
I used this book to negotiate the price of a new car.
I used this book to become a better listener
There is a great Masterclass utilizing the lessons from this book.
📝 My notes and thoughts
P44. If you take a pit bull approach with another pit bull, you generally end up with a messy scene and lots of bruised feelings and resentment. Luckily, there's another way without all the mess. It's just four simple steps:
Use the late-night FM DJ voice.
Start with "I'm sorry..."
Mirror.
Silence. At least four seconds to let the mirror work its magic on your counterpart.
Repeat.
P56. Once you've spotted an emotion you want to highlight, the next step is to label it aloud. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. The only difference is whether you end the sentence with a downward or upward inflection. But no matter how they end, labels almost always begin with roughly the same words:
It seems like...
It sounds like...
It looks like...
Notice we said, "It sounds like..." and not, "I'm hearing that..." That's because the word "I" gets people's guard up. When you say "I," it says you're more interested in yourself than the other person, and it makes you take personal responsibility for the words that follow—and the offense they might cause.
P59. Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it without reaction and without judgment. Then, consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate, and solution-based thoughts.
P84. In every negotiation, in every agreement, the result comes from someone else's decision. And sadly, if we believe that we can control someone else's decision with compromise and logic, we're leaving millions on the table. But while we can't control other's decisions, we can influence them by inhabiting their world and seeing and hearing exactly what they want. Though the intensity may differ from person to person, you can be sure that everyone you meet is driven by two primal urges: the need to feel safe and secure and the need to feel in control. If you satisfy those drives, you're in the door.
P88. Today, I coach my students to learn to see "No" for what it is. Rather than harming them or those they negotiate with, "No" protects and benefits all parties in an exchange. "No" creates safety, security, and the feeling of control. It's a requirement to implement success. It's a pause, a nudge, and a chance for the speaker to articulate what they want. As you can see, "No" has a lot of skills:
"No" allows the real issues to be brought forth;
"No" protects people from making—and lets them correct—ineffective decisions;
"No" slows things down so that people can freely embrace their decisions and the agreements they enter into;
"No" helps people feel safe, secure, emotionally comfortable, and in control of their decisions;
"No" moves everyone's efforts forward.
P94. Key lessons:
Saying "No" makes the speaker feel safe, secure, and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they don't want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you. That's why "Is now a bad time to talk?" is always better than "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
Sometimes the only way to get your counterpart to listen and engage with you is by forcing them in to a "No." That means intentionally mislabeling one of their emotions or desires or asking a ridiculous question—like, "It seems like you want this project to fail"—that can only be answered negatively.
If a potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise "No"-oriented questions that suggests that you are ready to walk away, "Have you given up on this project?" works wonder.
P112. The power of getting to that understanding, and not to some simple "yes," is revelatory in the art of negotiation. The moment you've convinced someone that you truly understand her dreams and feelings (the whole world that she inhabits), mental and behavioral change becomes possible, and the foundation for a breakthrough has been laid. Use these lessons to lay that foundation:
Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door to changing thought and behaviors. Humans have an innate urge toward socially constructive behaiour. The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold.
"That's right" is better than "yes." Strive for it. Reaching "that's right" in a negotiation creates breakthroughs.
Use a summary to trigger a "that's right." The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, re-articulate, and emotionally affirm "the world according to..."
P117. Deadlines are often arbitrary, almost always flexible, and hardly ever trigger the consequence we think—or are told—they will. Deadlines are the bogeyman of negotiation, almost exclusively self-inflicted figments of our imagination, unnecessarily unsettling us for no good reason. The mantra we coach our clients on is, "No deal is better than a bad deal." If that mantra can truly be internalized, and clients begin to believe they've got all the time they need to conduct the negotiation right, their patience becomes a formidable weapon.
P128. Bend their reality:
Anchor their emotions
Let the other guy go first...most of the time
Establish a range
Pivot to non-monetary terms
When you do talk numbers, use odd ones
Surprise with a gift
P135. Section on how to negotiate a better salary
P139 Key lessons:
Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don't compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides.
Approaching deadlines entices people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their best interests.
The F-word—"Fair"—is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don't get suckered into a concession. Instead, ask them to explain how you're mistreating them.
You can bend your counterpart's reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your "real" offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you're looking at it from.
People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.
P151. When you go into a store, instead of telling the sales clerk what you "need," you can describe what you're looking for and ask for suggestions. Then, once you've picked out what you want, instead of hitting them with a hard offer, you can just say the price is a bit more than you budgeted and ask for help with one of the greatest-of-all-time calibrated questions: "How am I supposed to do that?" The critical part of this approach is that you really are asking for help, and your delivery must convey that. With this negotiation scheme, instead of bullying the clerk, you're asking for their advice and giving them the illusion of control. Asking for help in this manner after you've already been engaged in dialogue is an incredibly powerful negotiating technique for transforming encounters from confrontational showdowns into joint problem-solving sessions. And calibrated questions are the best tool.
P154. You can use "what" and "how" to calibrate nearly any question. "Does this look like something you would like?" can become "How does this look to you?" or "What about this works for you?" You can even ask, "What about this doesn't work for you?" and you'll probably trigger quite a bit of useful information from your counterpart. Even something as harsh as "Why did you do it?" can be calibrated to "What caused you to do it?" which takes away the emotion and makes the question less accusatory. You should use calibrated questions early and often, and there are a few that you will find that you will use in the beginning of near every negotiation. "What is the biggest challenge you face?" is one of those questions. It just gets the other side to teach you something about themselves, which is critical in any negotiation because all negotiations are an information-gathering process. Here are some other great standbys that I use in almost every negotiation, depending on the situation:
What about this is important to you?
How can I help to make this better for us?
How would you like me to proceed?
What is it that brought us into this situation? How can we solve this problem?
What's the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here?
How am I supposed to do that?
P160. Key lessons—As you put listener's judo into practice, remember the following powerful lessons:
Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation.
Avoid questions that can be answered with "Yes" or tiny pieces of information. These require little thought and inspire the human need for reciprocity; you will be expected to give something back.
Ask calibrated questions that start with the words "How" or "What." By implicitly asking the other party for help, these questions will give your counterpart an illusion of control and will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information.
Don't ask questions that start with "Why" unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. "Why" is always an accusation in any language.
Calibrate your questions to point your counterpart toward solving your problem. This will encourage them to expend their energy on devising a solution.
Bite your tongue. When you're attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question.
There is always a team on the other side. If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable.
P169. There are two key questions you can ask to push your counterparts to think they are defining success their way: "How will we know we're on track?" and "How will we address things if we find we're off track?" When they answer, you summarize their answers until you get a "That's right." Then you'll know they've bought in.
P186. Key lessons:
Ask calibrated "How" questions, and ask them again and again. Asking "How" keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering the questions will give them the illusion of control. It will also lead them to contemplate your problems when making their demands.
Use "How" questions to shape the negotiation environment. You do this by using "How can I do that?" as a gentle version of "No" This will subtly push your counterpart to search for other solutions—your solutions. And very often it will get them to bid against themselves.
A person's use of pronouns offers deep insights into his or her relative authority. If you're hearing a lot of "I," "me," and "my," the real power to decide probably lies elsewhere. Picking up a lot of "we," "they," and "them," it's more likely you're dealing directly with a savvy decision maker keeping his options open.
Use your own name to make yourself a real person to the other side and even get your own personal discount. Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks.
The Ackerman model is an offer-counteroffer method, at least on the surface. But it is a very effective system for beating the usual lackluster bargaining dynamic, which has the predicable result of meeting in the middle. The systematized and easy-to-remember process has only four steps:
Set your target price (your goal).
Set your first offer at 65 percent of your target price.
Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 95, and 100 percent).
Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying "No" to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.
When calculating the final amount, use precise, non-round numbers like, say, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight.
On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (that they probably don't want) to show you're at your limit.
P212. Key lessons:
Get ready to take a punch. Kick-ass negotiators usually lead with an extreme anchor to know you off your game. If you're not ready, you'll flee maximum without a fight. So prepare your dodging tactics to avoid getting sucked into the compromise trap.
Set boundaries, and learn to take a punch or punch back without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem; the situation is.
Prepare an Ackerman plan. Before you head into the weeds of bargaining, you'll need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well-defined offers. Remember: 65, 65, 95, 100 percent. Decreasing raises and ending on non-round numbers will get your counterpart to believe that he's squeezing you for all you're worth when you're really getting to the number you want.
P221. To leverage, you have to persuade your counterpart that they have something real to lose if the deal falls through. At a taxonomic level, there are three kinds: Positive, Negative, and Normative. Positive leverage is quite simply your ability as a negotiator to provide—or withhold—things that your counterpart wants. Whenever the other side says, "I want..." as in, "I want to buy your car," you have positive leverage. When they say that, you have power: you can make their desire come true; you can withhold it and thereby inflict pain; or you can use their desire to get a better deal with another party. Negative leverage is what most civilians picture when they hear the word "leverage." It's a negotiator's ability to make his counterpart suffer. And it is based on threats: you have negative leverage if you can tell your counterpart, "If you don't fulfill your commitment/pay your bill/etc., I will destroy your reputation." This sort of leverage gets people's attention because of a concept we've discussed: loss aversion. As effective negotiators have long known and psychologists have repeatedly proved, potential losses loom larger in the human mind than do similar gains. Getting a good deal may push us toward making a risky bet, but saving our reputation from destruction is a much stronger motivation. If you shove your negative leverage down your counterpart's throat, it might be perceived as you taking away their autonomy. People will often sooner die than give up their autonomy. They'll at least act irrationally and shut off the negotiation. A more subtle technique is to label your negative leverage and thereby make it clear without attacking. Sentences like "It seems like you strongly value the fact that you've always paid on time" or "It seems like you don't care what position you are leaving me in" can really open up the negotiation process. Normative leverage is using the other party's norms and standards to advance your position. If you can show inconsistencies between their beliefs and their actions, you have normative leverage. No one likes to look like a hypocrite. For example, if your counterpart lets slip that they generally pay a certain multiple of cash flow when they buy a company, you can frame your desired price in a way that reflects that valuation. Discovering that Black Swan that gives you normative valuation can be as easy as asking what your counterpart believes and listening openly. You want to see what language they speak and speak it back to them.
P244. Key lessons:
Black Swans are leverage multipliers. Remember the three types of leverage: positive (the ability to give someone what they want(; negative (the ability to hurt someone), and normative (using your counterpart's norms to bring them around).
Work to understand the other side's "religion." Digging into worldviews inherently implies moving beyond the negotiation table and into the life, emotional and otherwise, of your counterpart. That's where Black Swans live.
Review everything you hear from your counterpart. You will not hear everything the first time, so double-check. Compare notes with team members. Use backup listeners whose job is to listen between the lines. They will hear things you miss.
Exploit the similarity principle. People are more apt to concede to someone they share a cultural similarity with, so dig for what makes them tick and show that you share common ground.
When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren't. Faced with this situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information.
P253. Bottom line: People who expect more (and articulate it) get more. Here are the four steps for setting your goal:
Set an optimistic but reasonable goal and define it clearly.
Write it down.
Discuss your goal with a colleague (this makes it harder to wimp out).
Carry the written goal into the negotiation.
P255. There are fill-in-the-blank labels that can be used in nearly every situation to extract information from your counterpart or defuse an accusation:
It seems like...is valuable to you
It seems like you don't like...
It seems like you value...
It seems like...makes it easier
It seems like you're reluctant to...
P256. There will be a small group of "What" and "How" questions that you will find yourself using in nearly every situation. Here are a few of them:
What are we trying to accomplish?
How is that worthwhile?
What's the core issue here?
How does that affect things?
What's the biggest challenge you face?
How does this fit into what the objective is?
How does this affect the rest of your team?
How on board are the people not on this call?
What do your colleagues see as their main challenges in this area?