Conversations Worth Having by Jackie Stavros & Cheri Torres
- Lars Christensen
- 29 minutes ago
- 7 min read
I finished this book in May 2026. I recommend this book 5/10.
Why you should read this book:
This book will teach you how to flip negative statements into a positive forward direction by asking generative questions that will lead towards a possible solution.
Get your copy here.
🚀 The book in three sentences
Interesting conversations are never negative
Generative questions challenge the other person to come forward with something interesting
You can set up Generative questions to move an entire team
📝 My notes and thoughts
P18. For example, the Emergency Room staff engaged members of clinics and urgent care centers in productive conversations focused on getting people to use the ER only when needed. They mapped their clinical care strengths and specialties across the city. They asked questions to inspire possibilities and new ways of thinking, as well as ways to work together to help prospective patients choose the right location for care. Such questions included: What would have to happen for every citizen to know where to go to get quick and reliable care during the day and after hours? How do we make sure transportation is available to move people where they need to go? The results were a Right-Care, Right-Place plan to help patients learn over time where to go and how to get there. The staff worked together and developed a system that was leveraging the right care in the right places. Ultimately, this meant the ER team was serving patients who really needed emergency care. It also meant less chaos and crowding in the ER.
P21. "Thank you so much for coming to talk to us, Elizabeth," welcomed Mary. "Kamal and I are excited to meet with you. We understand that you have the longest history with the bank and that no one knows this place better than you. We're hoping you'll share your best experiences with us about what makes Community One great. We also want to know: What gives life to this bank and community?" Kamal and Mary smiled reassuringly in response to Elizabeth's "deer in the headlights" expression. Elizabeth stammered, "You want to know what makes the bank great? But I thought we were losing money!" "The bank is losing money," said Kamal, "and we do need to make changes, but we don't want to change what it is about this bank that customers love. We want to learn about what you and the other team members have done to engender such loyalty on the part of this community. We need your experience and knowledge, Elizabeth, and we hope you'll partner with us to turn the bank around." "Of course I will," Elizabeth agreed. She was stunned at the direction of the conversation. For the next hour, Kamal and Mary peppered Elizabeth with questions, such as: "What do you love most about your job? What wishes do you have for the bank to best serve its customers?"
P48. Instead of making her the problem, I'm thinking about focusing on a high-performance team and framing the conversation around behaviors that affect the team and our performance. I thought I would start by saying, 'You do exceptionally good work, and your input is very important to our team's success. Because of that, it's really vital that everyone arrive on time, if not a few minutes early, to our meetings and also to meet deadlines on time. When you are late, it affects all of us. What ideas do you have for how we plan and schedule things that could resolve this?'
P49. Positive framing is about intentionally shaping a conversation that invites engagement and produces positive outcomes. This applies at work, at school, at home, in our community outreach, and even when we have internal conversations with ourselves. We always recommend that you begin where you are when you start practicing positive framing. If you're like we once were, and also like most of our clients, you'll start with a problem-oriented or negative focus of attention.
P53. Mental process for flipping:
Step 1: Name It. What is the problem, complaint, or thing you don't want?
Step 2: Flip It. What is the positive opposite, the thing you do want?
Step 3: Frame It. What is the positive impact of the flip if it were to be true? What is the desired outcome?
P64. The five AI principles are as follows:
Constructionist Principle: Understanding, interpersonal dynamics, and ultimately our social reality are created through language and in conversation. -> What we believe to be true is informed by and evolves through conversation.
Simultaneity Principle: Change happens the moment a question is asked or a statement is made. -> As words are spoken, our mind, body, and emotions react in a split second.
Poetic Principle: Every person, organization, or situation can be seen and understood from many perspectives. -> There is no one truth about any person's situation, organization; truth depends on perception and focus of attention.
Anticipatory Principle: The images and thoughts we hold influence our conversation and affect our future. -> Whatever we are anticipating, we are likely to encounter. Our expectations inform what we look for, what we see, and what we hear.
Positive Principle: The more positive and generative the questions, the more positive and long-lasting the outcome. -> Our questions inspire images, and imagery compels action.
P65. The five AI principles are simple rules that govern our conversations. Understanding how these principles work together can put us in the driver's seat when it comes to initiating productive and meaningful engagement. Here's how:
If the way we talk together influences understanding, interpersonal dynamics, and teams, departments, and organizations (Constructionist Principle), then it makes sense to hold our beliefs lightly and to ask questions and make room for both new knowledge and new meaning.
If our perceptions and experience change instantaneously in response to how we use or interpret works and actions (Simultaneity Principle), then it makes sense to stay open and ask questions.
If our beliefs and the stories we make up about people and situations influence how we understand and how we act (Poetic Principle), then it makes sense to talk about and pay attention to what's working, what's best, and what's possible.
If our expectations influence what we see, hear, and do (Anticipatory Principle), then it makes sense to stay open, anticipate the best from others, and expect to be pleasantly surprised.
If our words and the questions we ask have tone and direction that engender imagery (Positive Principle), then it makes sense to ask the most generative and inspiring questions we can, and to stimulate positive in what we want more of.
P87. A story that describes the principles.
P90. 5Ds were, and how the cycle flowed:
In Define, the core planning team will use positive framing to clarify the task or focus for our inquiry and to create generative questions that we will ask in the Discovery phase.
In Discover, we'll engage in one-on-one interviews and small group discussions, based on the questions we crafted in the Define phase. The purpose of this phase is to identify our strengths, which are the positive core of our system, along with our purpose and possibilities for the future.
In Dream, we'll create shared images of the future, present them in creative and imaginative ways, and write vision statements.
In Design, we'll develop prototypes for ways to move toward our vision, leveraging our positive core and staying focused on our mission.
In Deploy, we'll further develop our prototype(s) and adopt a learner mindset. This will help us evolve toward our desired future. We will learn and adapt as we move forward by continuously engaging in worthwhile conversations.
P94. Discovery Questions:
Describe a high-point experience working as a team in an organization—a time when you felt most alive and engaged as a member of the team.
What is it that you value about yourself, your colleagues, and the organization.
When our center is at its best, what are the core factors (our strengths) that give it life, without which the center would simply not be at its best?
Imagine that three years from now, the company has grown significantly. Describe the ways in which we work together as one team and how that has enabled the Tech Center to contribute to the organization's success. What business segment(s), technical products(s), or process innovation(s) have been successfully created and launched?
What three wishes do you have to strengthen our center or the organization itself?
P121. Positive framing flips the problem to a desired outcome. Generative questions seek to uncover what's working, what's going well, what's of value in a situation, what might be of value, what's possible, and what's desired. If someone else suggests the problem, ask them a generative question to flip the focus—for example, "This project is never going to work with the way it's designed." A generative question might be "What changes could we make to it would work?"
P122. Conversations worth having:
With Yourself:
Before: Why didn't I get more accomplished today? How will I ever get this done if I don't take it home? I am exhausted, but I need to bring the report home with me. I am so tired of working at home every night. It's got to get done, and there's no one else to help me, and no way I'll be ready for the meeting at 10 am.
After: I need to get this report finished by tomorrow, and today is gone! How can I be the most effective and efficient in knocking this thing out by 10 am tomorrow? What will it take to finish it? I can just get here early tomorrow morning, that will do it!
With your Partner/Spouse:
Before: I'm not happy. You're always exhausted, and I'm tired of just watching TV. Why don't we ever do anything?
After: You know, we used to do more things together, and I really loved those times. I miss them. Remember when we ... What would it take to start doing some of those things again?
With Your Children:
Before: Why aren't you home on time? You've got to stop getting in so late at night after curfew. Perhaps grounding you for a week is what you need!
After: I really need you to be in by curfew. We have good reasons for wanting you home by that time. Not to mention that I worry when you don't make it in. Sometimes you do manage to get here on time. What is it about those occasions that enables you to get home on time? How can we make sure that happens more often? I want to know you are safe. What can we both do to make sure I don't worry if you're running late?
With Colleagues:
Before: These missed deadlines are a real problem for the department. Why are you late? If you can't do the work, we can give it to someone who can.
After: Do you agree that when we get our projects accomplished efficiently and on time, we're in a better position to achieve our goals? What do you need to help you make sure your work on the project is completed on time?