Ego, Authority, Failure by Derek Gaunt

I finished this book in July 2025. I recommend this book 5/10.

Why you should read this book:

The author is part of the same organization that was started by Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference. It contains the same tactical empathy tools as that book, but more in a business setting instead of negotiation situations.

Get your copy here.

🚀 The book in three sentences

1. Apprentice to Chris Voss

2. Labels, mirrors, and calibrated questions

3. Don't forget about Dynamic Silence, like pauses in music

   
   

📝 My notes and thoughts

• P19. Nelson Mandela once said, "A leader is like a shepherd. He stays behind the flock, letting the most nimble go out ahead, whereupon the others follow, not realizing that all along they are being directed from behind."

• P37. The moment you forget the person on the other side of a difficult conversation is human—with all that entails, including negative emotions—is the moment you lose your advantage.

• P65. Bruce Lee once said, "Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle, and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, and it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow, or it can crash. Be water, my friend."

• P68. Tactical Empathy involves gathering information. Once you have gathered information about the other person's motivations and shown that you understand their current state, you have built rapport. Rapport leads you to trust-based influence, and then you can get to your objective, your case in chief, or your ask. Many times, we get it backward. We want to begin the conversation by stating our objective, and then we are baffled when we get pushback.

• P102. The "action criteria" was developed by the CNU at the FBI for hostage-taking events, and requires that, before taking any tactical action that will alter the dynamics of the event, the IC must be able to answer the following questions:

  • Why is the contemplated action necessary?

    • What conditions changed to cause consideration of the action?

    • Why are we taking action now?

  • Why is the contemplated action risk-effective?

    • Did we fully explore and attempt less-risky alternatives?

  • Why is the contemplated action acceptable?

• P108. Use the action criteria before taking an action that will change the situation. Simply ask yourself:

  • Why is the contemplated action necessary?

  • Why is the contemplated action risk-effective?

  • Why is the contemplated action acceptable?

• P157. Instead of getting into an argument, his boss simply said, "It sounds like I offended you and you think you should be rated higher." By using Labels, you are sometimes drawing attention to the obvious, but it does not matter. As I said, people love to have other people understand how they feel. That love outweighs any negative connotations they may have about you using an "obvious" Label. By the same token, you should understand that any passion, feeling, or expressed thought has both a presenting and a latent emotion. Labeling the presenting is good. Labeling the latent is better. There is simply more power in labeling something that is not said.

• P160. Part of the "art of listening" is making sure that the other person feels they are being listened to. One of the easiest ways to do this is simply to repeat the last one to five words or gist statements spoken by the employee. This could be something as simple as: Leader: Would it be a bad idea if we talked about what is going on between you and Mark? Employee: He is an arrogant a-hole who thinks he knows it all, and I am tired of dealing with his BS. Leader: Dealing with his BS? Can you tell me more?

• P161. Stop talking! Remember, it is not about you. It is about them. Deliberately creating a void in the conversation takes the focus off you. Dynamic Silence gives you the opportunity to present yourself as selfless. You are showing your employee that you are not concerned with trying to be heard and are more interested in learning. You will have the urge to justify your Label or Mirror by saying "but" or "because." We call it "stepping on" your Label or Mirror. Resist that urge. If you feel yourself wanting to say "but" or "because" after a Label or Mirror, replace it with Silence.

• P173. Your go-to CQs are "What makes you ask?" or "What makes you say that?" People do not ask great questions, or they make statements that cloak an ulterior motive. These two CQs are designed to ferret out the hidden message in the questions or statements during difficult conversations. They should be locked and loaded and ready to deploy at any time.

• P191. Accusation Audit Table.

• P199. I-Messages are used to confront counterproductive behavior without being confrontational. They express to the other person how it makes you feel when they do or say certain things. These can be effective responses to the other person when they are in attack mode, and at some point in any difficult conversation, you will get attacked. Count on it. By simply saying, "When you [the objectionable behavior], I feel, [whatever you are feeling] because [ the effect is having]."

• P212. Have you ever heard a yes and found out later it was not a yes but a no in waiting? There are three kinds of yeses:

  • Counterfeit

  • Confirmation

  • Commitment

• P121. Many of your employees will acquiesce and give you a counterfeit yes just to keep you happy. Remember: the first thing you are given by anyone, employee or otherwise, should be considered counterfeit. It should be tested. The first time you get a yes—for example, when an employee tells you they will have something for you by next Tuesday—try to Mirror it: "Next Tuesday?" or Label it: "It seems like next Tuesday is good for you." They may respond with a yes: "Tuesday is my first day back. I will meet with the team then, and we will come up with a game plan." This is your second yes: the commitment. To get your third yes, Paraphrase: "So if I understand you correctly, Tuesday will be your first opportunity to discuss with the team what we agreed upon, and sometime Tuesday evening I will have something in my inbox from you." If they respond to this with a yes, this is your confirmation yes. Your agreement is more likely to be held up.